More 'New Rules' for Television

Once again, with apologies to Bill Maher, here are another set of “New Rules” I would like to see imposed on television.
1. NEW RULE – Especially since the sound on commercials is always extra loud, the ringing of doorbells and the barking of dogs MUST be eliminated. Late at night my dog Sophie will finally be curled up asleep at my side, when suddenly a doorbell or barking dog blares out in a commercial, waking her up and sending her zooming around the house!
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2. NEW RULE – Yes I enjoy looking at young attractive women, but when a cable news network (especially Fox News) presents a panel of “experts” commenting on an important political issue, such as the health care debate or the wars in Iran and Afghanistan, the entire panel MUST not resemble the finalists in a Miss Universe competition.
3. NEW RULE – On “Extreme Makeover: Home Addition,” the producers MUST explain how the pathetically poor families who are given an ostentatiously large and ornate house will be able to pay the utility and tax bills for their new “castles.” The concept of the show is great, but they definitely overdue these makeovers.
4. NEW RULE – Weathermen MUST tone down their exaggerated claims of severe storm warnings in order to entice viewers to “stay tuned.” In the fall every developing storm in the Caribbean sounds like the second coming of Katrina, and in the winter every prediction of snow sounds like the second coming of the Blizzard of '78!
5. NEW RULE – Exciting dramas with ongoing story arcs MUST stop giving away important plot developments when previewing the following week's episode. My favorite show “Dexter” is especially guilty of committing this heinous sin.
6. NEW RULE - Speaking of previews, when a morning show such as “Today” says “coming up” before cutting to commercials, the previewed segment MUST be aired immediately follow the commercials, not 45 minutes later.
7. NEW RULE – Any commercial that shows a talking baby MUST be eliminated. They are not cute at all, and in fact they are eerily weird and exceedingly annoying.
8. NEW RULE – NBC MUST return Jay Leno to a later time shot or get rid of him altogether. His nightly prime time show is unwatchable. Such classic NBC shows as “Hill Street Blues,” “LA Law,” and “ER,” used to occupy that 10:00 time slot.
9. NEW RULE – Holiday commercials for a specific store that say “today only, lowest prices of the season” MUST not be allowed to be re-aired a few days later.
10. NEW RULE - The college football bowl season MUST end on New Years' Day, except perhaps for one championship game. This year there are only five games scheduled to be televised on January 1 and nine games scheduled for the week after! Along the same lines, the Fox network MUST not be allowed to stretch out the baseball playoffs so that World Series games are played in November.

Some Television 'New Rules' I Would Love to See

I hope HBO's Bill Maher doesn't mind, but I have some personal “New Rules” that I would like to see implemented by all television networks.
1. NEW RULE: When a cable news network interviews an elected politician concerning an issue such as health care, they MUST run a scroll below the talking head revealing how much money in campaign donations said politician received from relevant interests, such as insurance and pharmaceutical companies. Just so the viewer can figure out where the pol is really coming from.
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2. NEW RULE: When a talk show host interviews an actor or actress from one of my favorite television shows they MUST ask in depth questions about the character the person plays, rather than letting him or her ramble on relating silly anecdotes from their personal life. I recently saw Hugh Laurie interviewed by Jay Leno, and the interview could not have been more boring without one iota of insight into the fascinating and complex Dr. House.
3. NEW RULE: On every network that airs sitcoms there MUST be at least one family where the husband is either younger or better looking than the wife. I am tired of watching portly, balding husbands married to women who in real life would never have given that guy the time of day.
4. NEW RULE: Let's ban gyrating figures hyping other shows on the same network on the bottom of the screen every time the show returns from a commercial break. While we're at it, let's eliminate the network's logo being permanently placed at the bottom right hand corner of the screen. We know what station we are watching!
5. NEW RULE: Shows scheduled to run from 9:00 to 9:30 MUST start and end precisely at those times. It is extremely irritating to DVR a show, and then later when watching it, to have the recorded version cut off a minute or two before the show actually ends!
6. NEW RULE: No airing of the exact same commercial more than once on every show. Commercials are bad enough, and I realize they are necessary evils. But when the same commercial is repeated two or three times an hour I make a vow never to purchase that product.
7. NEW RULE: On the subject of commercials, any ad for a drug or medication that spends more time listing all the negative side effects than the positive ones MUST no longer be aired. And one has to wonder why the FDA would have approved such a hazardous product in the first place.
8. NEW RULE: At least once a night MSNBC MUST say something positive about the Republican Party and Fox News Channel MUST say something positive about President Obama and the Democratic Party. Whatever happened to news programs that really were “fair and balanced?”
9. NEW RULE: Any “reality show” about a family with more than six kids MUST place a substantial amount of money in escrow to pay for those kids therapy when they reach adulthood.
Have any “New Rules” suggestions yourself? Please send them to pennerst@hotmail.com.